Are We Truly Open in Open Communication?

After years of searching and exploring, I found myself drawn to the intersection of Nonviolent Communication, the Gestalt Approach, and Dharma. As my desire to see life more clearly and simply began to clarify my mind, the world took on an entirely new perspective. What I learned taught me to approach life without adding judgment or commentary and to express myself and my emotions with sincerity, honesty, and kindness. This journey began with something seemingly simple but profoundly transformative: recognizing my own needs.

At first, I didn’t even know how to articulate these needs. But as I connected with myself and explored them, my relationship with myself began to heal. I turned inward, retreating into my own space—my “cave,” if you will. Spending time with myself, exploring my inner world, became not only a necessity but also a source of joy.

Yet, over time, cracks began to form. While life offers so much beauty, I realized that the belief that I had to meet all my needs alone no longer held true. I became aware of the dynamic nature of needs and began to question why I expected stability from life when my needs were ever-changing. For instance, I couldn’t hug myself. Retreating to my cave was comforting, but eventually, I longed for human connection and the warmth of another. Being able to admit honestly, “I need a hug,” brought a profound sense of liberation—so simple, so pure, neither too much nor too little. Seeing these needs, expressing them openly, and having them met brought an indescribable satisfaction.

I began to step out of my cave, wanting to bring the connection I had cultivated with my needs into my relationships with others. But here, things became more complex. As I learned to recognize and articulate my needs, I started expecting the same clarity and openness from others. I wanted the people around me to embrace nonviolent communication, to express their needs as I did, and to take responsibility for them. When they didn’t, distance crept into our relationships. I no longer wanted to explain, justify, or engage in conflict. As I grew and worked on myself, I began expecting the same level of awareness and clarity from those around me. When they didn’t meet these expectations, I found myself imposing my views on them, pushing their boundaries, and labeling them as irresponsible.

This expectation led me into a new form of suffering. While I tried to shield myself from life’s pains, I inadvertently fell into fresh struggles caused by miscommunications. In therapy, I once declared, “There’s nothing I can’t accept,” believing I had already embraced everything. But as we dug deeper, I realized how challenging true acceptance can be. I knew in theory that accepting people, events, and situations as they are begins with accepting myself as I am. Yet, I could sense there was still a long road ahead.

Then I noticed something else: while my mind kept oscillating between “I want this” and “I don’t want that,” the ability to simply accept things as they are was sidelined. Thoughts, words, and judgments raced through my mind, leaving little room for pure acceptance. What often strained my connections with others was their lack of ownership in communication. When the other person didn’t take responsibility, I felt compelled to shoulder it myself, and I began to notice the tension this created in my body. The urge to fix, improve, or solve would take over, and I realized I had pushed myself into an even more sensitive and subtle space within.

For 36 years, my mind has worked this way: if there’s a problem, it must be fixed. But perhaps this is my greatest test. Allowing others to take responsibility for their share, accepting that I don’t have to solve every problem, and resisting my mind’s relentless hunger for “solutions”—these are my lessons now. It’s about letting others grow in their own time and resisting the urge to nurture the seed of my own impatience.

These days, I find that accepting my limitations, instead of believing I need to fix everything, brings a profound sense of peace.

Life carves away at us, testing us until we are stripped bare. I hope to embrace each challenge with a new sense of awareness, navigating this journey without forcing or resisting, and living fully in the flow, without worrying about the destination.