How About Letting Go of Your Yourself?

The path to being authentic, freely existing in your body, and mental freedom in my story was a journey of self-discovery.

Changing things, overcoming obstacles on the path to my dreams, and becoming the best version of myself involved reading many books, receiving a lot of feedback, and attending numerous trainings. It felt like there was something missing and wrong; my current state was problematic, and for many years, I harmed myself under the guise of personal development, battered myself, and tried to change my state of being.

Being strong, standing on my own two feet, and being ungrateful had conditioned me to be greedy for power. The power I derived from knowledge, intelligence, and status in the business world was increasingly putting me in more and more inescapable loops, and the more I learned, the more inadequate I felt, thinking I would become a better version of myself.

I had become perhaps addicted to constantly reading psychology, going to therapy, and attending retreats, dependent on fixing the problematic part. As I saw myself as a being to be fixed, I started seeing others the same way. The coaching profession had become my identity.

The odd thing was that on this journey of self-correction, every awareness I experienced turned me into someone who cried and beat themselves up. I repeatedly did the things I called mistakes and tried to correct, and even worse ones.

At the point where I became even harsher to myself, I met Gestalt. On the first day of training, I faced the reality that change wouldn’t happen without accepting your current state in Gestalt. One can only grow, change, and develop by accepting their own being and giving themselves the right to be as they are.

As the self-image I developed and strengthened over the years no longer served me, Gestalt said stop while I tried to heal and change it. First, confront it, notice it, feel it, and then stay with it and listen to it. What is it telling you? Which need, which incomplete emotion is that experience for? Then I discovered that awareness is more valuable than change; being aware and opening that space was the path to the completion and integration of that emotion.

Seeing awareness as just a step in front of change for years and not giving it its due was actually a barrier to closing that loop without confronting and accepting the situation. However, fearing the thing I was afraid of brought more suffering, and witnessing that the thing I feared wasn’t as scary when I went through it was an enlightening moment.

In short, change began with awareness. How am I, my emotions, thoughts, behaviors, body, desires, and needs? Taking responsibility for my choices, realistically evaluating environmental conditions, and redesigning my life by acting differently might be the stepping stones of the journey.

So, how would I notice and stay with that awareness in the moment of the experience? By being present... I could support my presence with my breath and body, staying present and opening space for that awareness.

I was just beginning to understand the power of the now, the present moment. When I was in a growth mindset and also present, I started seeing the journey not as a battlefield, a struggle, but as a game.

Being patient with myself, accepting that the process of self-improvement is a delicate and sacred ground, was the greatest gift I gave myself on my journey, the place where compassion for my essence was born.

I tend to get the big picture and definitions a bit late, but thankfully, they come 😊

With the hope that it inspires,

With love,

Sara.